Desperation: The Early Years

Desperation: The Early Years. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines desperation as a state of hopelessness leading to rashness. That defined me. I was a desperate person. Who made a lot of bad choices based on my desperation. My entire childhood I always felt like an oddball. I was affectionate in a family that did not show affection. I was constantly rejected. It affected me more than my family realized. My father wasn’t there adding to my feelings of rejection. Junior high school, I met my first friends. I felt very lonely. I had an invisible friend for years.

All of these things contributed to me being desperate. I had low self-esteem as well, I didn’t know that at the time. When I entered junior high school I’d started to get attention from some of the boys because I was developing. Learning that I could get attention by showing my body. I started looking at my body differently. I could get attention that way. Desperation: The Early Years was a very difficult time.

Desperation: The Early Years, High School

In high school I get even more attention from the boys. I was desperate and enjoyed the attention even though they didn’t care about me.  All they wanted was sex or to go as far as I would let them. I remember, I lost my virginity at the age of 16 to a boy who I’d only met a couple of times. I don’t even remember his name. He didn’t care about me or love me. I was looking for something and I didn’t know what. My search was for love but that wasn’t how I was going to find it. Expressed love is what I needed. I didn’t understand my family loved me.

I Needed the Savior

The love I craved was from above. I needed love from my lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The love I yearned for was from the Heavenly Father. I didn’t know at the time that was what I was chasing. Instead of seeking God I was sleeping with different teenaged boys in high school. Due to my low self esteem I was not interested in the ones who were decent. I was into the “bad boys” who did not mean me well. They did not care about me and only wanted what they could get out of me. They were using me and my desperation allowed them to do so.

Being with them did not make me feel any better. It made me feel worse. I was feeling condemnation and didn’t know what it was. My actions led me to fornication which is a sin. Unhealthy eating habits developed trying to stay a certain size for the attention. Using my body get love which would never work. Failure was imminent. I was in a vicious cycle of going from boy to boy looking for something I would never get. Desperation: The Early Years had a tight hold on me.

Sister Charm

Desperation: The Early Years Article One