Desperation: The College Years

Desperation: The College Years. I was a desperate young lady in high school. I continued that way into college. My choice in college was even determined by desperation. I was accepted to a small college three hours from home. A scholarship would allow me to take out a very small student loan. Instead at the last minute I applied to a college in my town. To be near a boy. With early application I would have been granted a full scholarship. I needed to take out student loans to attend. Desperation cost me around $40,000 in student loans. 

I stayed in town for that boy but we were never in a serious relationship. He didn’t care for me the way I needed. He couldn’t give me what I was longing for. My soul was in torment and I had no idea. My soul was crying out for Jesus. Everything I did made things worse. At 19 I moved into my own apartment. That allowed me to sleep with me more men. I could just invite them back to my apartment. I let some of them sleep over. When I think back, I did not know these strange men. Thank God, I was not harmed. 

My generosity drew me to men who used to me. I did not have a lot of money as a college student. They got what they could out of me. I had no interest in nice guys. Low self esteem told me I didn’t deserve better. I didn’t admit that to myself but my actions showed that was the reason.  

Desperation: The College Years, Trauma

There was an incident in college. A friend who was a guy. Fixed me up with his best friend and we were dating. I was at my apartment hanging out with the friend. He made me feel very uncomfortable. He touched me inappropriately. At one point he pinned me down. He did not rape me and I thank God for that. I lost the boyfriend. He believed his friend. I filed charges against my friend. The case was dismissed. Reason, lack of evidence.

I was in therapy because of depression. For a while I felt uncomfortable around men. I didn’t trust them. I was afraid. Therapy did not help me. It would never help me. Giving me anti-depressant drugs was not the answer. The answer was God. I needed salvation. I needed to repent and follow my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Sister Charmaine

Desperation Article Series, Article II