Desperation: Marriage the Beginning of the End

Desperation: Marriage the Beginning of the End. He was a controlling man. I felt trapped. Did I even love him? That thought was on my mind a lot. I wondered why I was in the marriage. If he really cared about me. He said he loved me but I didn’t believe him. The marriage was falling apart. We went to couples counseling and that did not work. He wasn’t honest with the therapist. There was no point in going. He knew I tired. He was trying to figure out how to make things better apparently without actually changing.

He’s an Angry Man!

One night we got into a fight and I refused to sleep in the same bed. I slept on the couch and began to pack a suitcase to leave him. I allowed him to talk me into staying. That was a big mistake because things did not improve. He was not a large man but he liked to intimidate me. He frightened me when I would look in his eyes. There was something very unsettling when he got angry in his eyes. Desperation: Marriage the Beginning of the End.

He got angry once and threw his phone across the room. I packed a few things and spent the night with my family. The next day I went back to him. I really wished I hadn’t done that. I wouldn’t give up on the marriage even though I was so unhappy. He was not good for me. He was hurting me. Why was I doing this? It didn’t make sense to stay with an abusive man. I was desperate and did not want to be alone. I felt like I had invested the time with him. Holding on to this hope that maybe things would work out. He can change. The reality is he had no desire to change. He wanted me to do all the changing and he wanted to be my everything. My life had to completely revolve around him.

Desperation: Marriage the Beginning of the End, Taker

I tried and tried but that was not realistic at all. I should have my own life. Why should I give up my friends and family to do everything he said? He was not God but he acted like he was. I could not continue to do it. Feeling like I was losing my mind was constant. I was seriously thinking about leaving him. I had surgery and he did not want to stay overnight with me. I’d stayed every night in a chair while he was in the hospital. He was very selfish and knew I was a giver. He was very much a taker. I allowed him to misuse me as much as he could. The choice was mine to take the abuse. I chose poorly. Desperation: Marriage the Beginning of the End.

God Is Faithful!

He got really ill and was in the hospital for weeks right after I had surgery. I spent as much time there as I could but I was recovering from surgery myself. The doctors never figured out why he was so sick. I believe it was God endeavoring to get his attention. God was giving him a wake-up call to get his life together. Some friends of his family came in one evening and began to pray for him. He told them he would go to their church but never did. He began to get better right away. At one point he was on oxygen. As I said he was quite ill. That was an opportunity for him to repent. He did not take the opportunity provided to him.

I was starting to think of a of plan to leave him. Also during this time I could feel God calling me. I was drawn to be saved. Condemnation was working, I had a desire to repent. Jesus was reaching out to me. I got on my knees and cried out to God. I begged for forgiveness for my sins. He answered my prayers. I knew I had to leave my husband. The marriage should never have happened. The key was how was I getting out? I needed to trust in God to find a way.

Sister Charmaine