Desperation: The Start of Something New

Desperation: The Start of Something New. I spent a little over two years in the long distance relationship before realizing it was not going anywhere. I believed he was cheating on me. His behavior was very suspicious. I decided to break up with him. Instead of taking a break and doing some self reflection, I was jumping into something else. There was a upstairs neighbor I’d talk to a lot. He liked me and I liked him too. I got his number and we started to text one another. I had injured my leg and was mostly bed bound for a couple of weeks to heal. 

My sister was warning me and I was not listening at all.  She told me to take things slowly. Once my leg healed I was spending a lot of time with him. She had concerns about his intentions and the fact he was 16 years older than me. I did not want to hear it and we began to fight a lot. A rift developed. I bounced from one man to the next. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t dealt with the feelings I had from the first man. I was determined to not be alone. The new guy seemed to be nice and I jumped right in. That was not a smart thing to do. I didn’t know him at all. I knew what he was letting me see. Desperation: The Start of Something New!

Desperate and Starting Something New: I Moved In

We were together about four months and he asked me to move in with him. I said yes. My concern wasn’t for anyone but myself. This decision would effect my mother and sister. I was being selfish and only thinking about me. My sister and I got into a big fight. She asked me if I was moving in with him. I was a coward and didn’t come right out and tell her. She had to ask me the question. My mother was sick. She had been diagnosed with dementia and I was too self-absorbed to think about staying to help care for her. I just wanted what I wanted. It didn’t matter how I hurt anyone else. 

Desperation: He Was In Control

I moved in with him. I really began to get to know him. He was very controlling. When we first started dating he wanted to take me to the train station and pick me up. I thought he was being protective. Not so. He wanted to keep an eye on me. He would call me to talk on my train ride and my walk to work. We also would talk during my lunch. He really wanted to know where I was. On my way home I got a break. We would text. I would tell him what train I was on so he could pick me up. 

I found out he was not an affectionate man. He portrayed himself as one but that was a lie. It was hard to take but by that point I had developed feelings for him. I knew things were not right. Facing reality wasn’t my strong point. I had no idea it was going to get worse. It got worse and so did my desperation. I had low self worth. I truly thought he was the best I could get.

Jesus was what I needed not a man. He would help my self esteem and heal my heart. I was broken and needed to be fixed. No man could fix me. Leaving men alone and spending time with God was what I needed. Not worrying about a man. I needed to have my mind focused on above.

Sister Charmaine

Desperation: The Start of Something New