Desperation: After TWOHMM

Desperation: After TWOHMM. I became more desperate. I was getting older and was alone. Was I doomed to be alone for the rest of my life? I felt being alone was the worst thing in the world. My desperation was worsening. That led me into terrible situations with men.

Desperation: My First Boyfriend

I reconnected with my first boyfriend from high school.  He is a year older than I am. We started to talk. There had always been an physical attraction between us. We were never intimate but there was always a “what if” when it came to him. I was still in as state of Desperation: After TWOHMM.

He was in the military and would be going to Afghanistan. He was separated from his wife living in another state.  I begin to send him care packages. I was baking him cookies. He gave me a list of items he wanted me to send. I was sending items for his buddies as well. I was very desperate. He never said we’d be in a relationship. Our topic of conversation was sex. He was using me for what he could get. I started emailing him erotic pictures and he used them to pleasure himself. I made little videos and sent them as well. When I think back on what I did I am in awe. I had no self esteem.  No sense of self worth. I didn’t value myself at all to do that.

My Savior Loves Me

This went on for some time. He would come back to the States and I would not see him. I’d sent him quite a few care packages, pictures, and videos. I didn’t get much from him. He would email me and he sent me one package. My sister told me he was using me. I didn’t listen to her. My friend said the same thing and I was so angry with her. I did not want to admit the truth. I was being used by him. He did not care about me. It took me some time to admit that to myself. I had a soft spot for him. He was special to me. I don’t think he felt the same about me. I was desperate to be loved.

Reconnection with him was a terrible decision. He was not going to provide me with what I needed. I needed love. The only love that can be found from above. My high school boyfriend would only break my heart.  I needed the love from my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. My Savior would not use me. My Lord and Savior would lift me up not tear me down. I know this now. I’m thanking God for sending His only begotten Son to die for me. I need sanctification. The Word of God. I do not need a man to fulfill me. My desperation led me to the wrong man again.

Sister Charmaine