Desperation: Things Got Worse

Desperation: Things Got Worse. I was now living with a controlling man. He didn’t care for how I dressed. Get rid of my skirts. He encouraged me to not wear any skirts or dresses at all. I found myself primarily in jeans. He also encouraged me to spend time with his family instead of mine. I found I was spending less time with my mother and wasn’t calling as much. I can’t blame him for that. That was all my fault. I had a choice and I made the wrong one.

It became obvious he didn’t like my friends. He didn’t want me to spend time with them. He made comments. When I moved in with him I had been used to having certain things and if I wanted them I was going to have to pay for them. He started to enjoy benefits like cable and internet just to name a couple of things. I helped him get a better phone and raises at his job. He was definitely enjoying financial benefits from being with me. Desperation: Things Got Worse.

Desperation: The Happy Face

The longer we were together the more I saw him. I realized he was not a great guy.  I put on an act for people. To make it seem like I was really happy. I was not. We were very different people and I found myself conforming more and more to him. I was losing myself. People could see I was changing. Depression was creeping in and I wouldn’t admit it. I was afraid to say no to him. I had moved in with him and I felt trapped. Where would I go? My sister and I did not have a good relationship. Where could I go? I thought I was in love. I certainly had deeper feelings for him than any other man.

We continued in the our relationship for a couple of years. Everything had become a routine. We had a virtually non-existent social life. He didn’t like to hang out with his family. I didn’t feel comfortable going to social events by myself. I would occasionally go to hang out with one of my friends. He didn’t like that. He would send me messages. I would be on the phone with him on the way there and back home. Desperation: Things Got Worse.

A Spiritual Prison

In spite of how things were going I was still wondering if he would propose to me. I had let him know that I was looking for a serious relationship. That showed how desperate I was and how low my self-esteem was. Being alone would have been better than him. I needed to be saved. I needed Jesus Christ. When I think back on that time I realize that my desperation got worse the longer I stayed with him. I changed more and more. My soul was crying out and I was not listening. I was in a prison spiritually. I didn’t want to admit that to myself.

Sister Charmaine